I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
