It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
