Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
