I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
