Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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