You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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