You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
