Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
