Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wish you could order shots online.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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