Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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