I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
