Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
