I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
