guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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