Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
