Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
