i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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