just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
