my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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