Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
