Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
