So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
