We're facebook friends in real life
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
