Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
