I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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