he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
