I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My penis needs a shock collar
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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