It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
