I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
