This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wish you could order shots online.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
