I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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