My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
