Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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