Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
