my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
