I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
