Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
