There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
