I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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