that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
