its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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