dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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