The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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