Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
