Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
