my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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