it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
