apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
