I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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