You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I party with great urgency now.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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