I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
